The Tragic Truth: Here There Be Stupids
filed in Sticky Rambles on Oct.29, 2009
Sometimes in this world, it’s necessary to convey a harsh lesson to the masses. It’s tough to be the bearer of this sort of news, especially when dealing with a dingaling who believes that there’s some kind of rainbow blooming out of every pot of shit. Nobody wants to be the guy who cracked some idiot’s delicate bubble of illusion. Or maybe somebody does. Hell if I know.
Stupids exist. Here’s how it works:
You get someone who doesn’t know nuthin about nuthin. He or she opens his or her mouth to speak and what comes out is the equivalent of a mathematician solving for N in X/0=N. That’s right, you get yourself a
Where you feel like it's been forever but it's just been a minute
As they drone on you realize they have no fucking idea what’s coming out of their mouths. It could be about anything: politics, sports, literature, stupid people, software. It’s a whole lotta nothing and it drags everything else down. Why do they do it? My theory is they want to be impressive. The trick here is not to be impressed. If you are in fact a stupid person try what I do: I try to be as unimpressive as possible. That way if I say something brilliant people think I have some sort of hidden reservoir of wisdom.
Lots of times these stupid people can masquerade as people with a clue (*raises hand*). The trick is to ask them a question they must answer in just a moment. If they hem and haw, you’ve got ‘em! Tip #2, stupids, have something prepared for every occasion, even if it’s just “Let me gather my thoughts” and then think back to the most recent news headline and half-a blurb you saw on the Google news page and extrapolate from there whilst keeping your opinion neutral on the topic. Regardless of your true feelings, if you’re short a fact or several you need to appear sanguine and unruffled. “Of course I feel the mandatory tagging of Martian citizens is questionable, but before I can cast judgment I need to go back farther than to cut to the cultural heart of the situation.” Well said, you sly fox you!
My final tip, for stupids and nonstupids alike is remember, if you find someone intolerable keep it light. There’s no need to rail against people who can’t stand your insipid inability to think for yourself, because if you felt so strongly about it you would do it. On the other hand, there’s no reason to rage against those who hardly do any thinking because nothing you’re saying will have ultimate meaning to them anyway. That’s about all I have to say on this topic. Now, if you will excuse me I have to to render a neutral opinion on some hot-button issues…
(NOTE: yes, this post was inspired)
